Helping Your Veteran Partner Heal: Mental Health Care Advice from Military Spouses

For many military service members, overcoming challenges and finding a way forward is part of the job. But when faced with mental health challenges – such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, and depression – stigma, fear, and uncertainty often stand in the way of getting help.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, the average delay between when mental health symptoms first appear and intervention is 11 years. For warriors and their loved ones, this delay can lead to strained relationships, tension, and a growing sense of isolation.

Navigating the mental health care journey together can be overwhelming, but having support from a spouse is crucial to success.

Below, we share insight from two military couples – Bill and Sara Geiger and Sergio and Christina Lopez Alfaro – who shed light on the challenges they faced, the turning points in their journeys, and the vital role their spouses played in helping them heal.

‘I Knew Something Was Different’

Sara Geiger vividly remembers when her husband, Bill, returned home from a deployment to Cuba.

“Almost immediately after he came home, I knew something was different. He wasn't himself.”

Bill struggled with a short temper, anger, and isolation. “I was confused, hurt and angry. It was like I was always walking on eggshells because he was so easily triggered,” recalled Sara, adding that in 2003, PTSD wasn't a commonly known diagnosis.

“PTSD wasn’t something we understood the way we do today. Back then, we didn't know what we were dealing with, but we both knew something was wrong and that we had to figure it out together.”

‘Barely Hanging On’

Christina Alfaro faced a similar realization with her husband, Sergio, a former Army medic who served in Iraq. He'd been out of the service for six years when they got married, but PTSD dictated their lives.

“We leaned on each other through tough times, but I knew that love alone wasn’t going to be enough to get us through this,” said Christina.

“On the surface, everything seemed fine – he had a job, I had a job. We were living and working, getting things done, but barely hanging on. Every day was a struggle,” she added. 

At one point, fear became her companion. “Sergio was suicidal, and my worry was whether he would take his own life while I was gone.”

Mental Health by the Numbers

Breaking Through: Encouraging Treatment

Convincing a loved one to seek mental health treatment can be a delicate and sometimes painful process.

For Christina, it meant being brutally honest. “The best thing I did was be vulnerable with him,” she said. “I told him, ‘I don’t know how much longer I can do this.’ It scared him, but fear isn't always a bad thing – it was a motivator.”

Reflecting on that moment, Sergio said, “That was an eye-opener. I realized my relationship wouldn't last if I didn't change. I was living in a reality shaped by war. I knew I needed more help.”

For Bill, the moment came after seeing an email Sara left open on the computer. The message was to their pastor about their crumbling marriage. Finding the email prompted Bill to take action and look for help.

“It wasn’t until I found out how badly those emotions affected my family that I realized something was wrong,” he said.

Finding the Right Path to Recovery

Already familiar with WWP™, Bill took the first step toward healing by enrolling in Warrior Care Network®. This accelerated brain health treatment program helps warriors heal from the disruptive symptoms of PTSD and other mental health concerns. Through innovative clinical care, collaborative wellness workshops, and peer-to-peer support, participants gain a better understanding of their condition and find immediate and lasting relief to live a better quality of life.

“Some days were still just bad days. I had to learn how to communicate that to my family. But through Warrior Care Network, I learned to address anger and handle stressful situations better.”

Bill’s experience gave Sara hope – and her own network of support. “I don't think we could have done it without Wound Warrior Project. They were a foundation of resources, support, and education,” said Sara.

“Through Wounded Warrior Project, I found spousal retreats and support groups. Hearing other spouses share similar experiences – it was life-changing. I learned to read my husband and to understand what may have triggered something. I learned to separate my emotions from his trauma and how to be a better support system for him.”

Sergio and Christina share a similar experience, although Sergio admits he found it difficult to engage with WWP at first.

He'd RSVP to attend events with other veterans, but fear and anxiety would cause him to cancel. “At first, I could barely walk in. But at this one, I got more comfortable, so we stayed, and I saw other veterans like me. For the first time, I felt like I wasn't alone,” Sergio said.

Being around other warriors and their families also helped Christina. She learned that the things her husband said or felt were normal.

With support from his wife, Sergio signed up to participate in Warrior Care Network in 2016.

Christina credits Warrior Care Network for helping her learn how to support her husband long-term. “Learning his language was crucial for me,” she said. “[Through] Warrior Care Network, we received educational therapy that helped us both understand PTSD and triggers and learn about coping mechanisms. Now, when Sergio says, ‘My stress levels are up,’ I know exactly what that means and how to support him.”

Managing Frustration and Helplessness as a Spouse

Loving someone with PTSD takes patience.

“In the beginning, we struggled a lot, especially since we needed to be educated on PTSD and its implications for our family,” said Sara. “But we had faith that if we kept moving forward, we would find the healing we needed. And we were both committed to our relationship and to our family.”

Sara adds that it was challenging at first because she used to take it personally when Bill had bad days. “Now, I know it’s not me or the kids.”

Over time, the family has found strategies that help them navigate tough days.

“Now, we recognize it, and we give him space and take space for ourselves as well. Then later, we come back together again,” explained Sara.

“I admit, it’s easier said than done – and it does take a long time to get to this point – but this approach has worked for our family.” 

Christina agrees, adding that she's learned not to internalize Sergio’s struggles. “I cohabitate with PTSD, but I have learned that while I can't take that away, I can separate myself from it. I can still be a good wife and partner even if he's having a bad day," she said. 

“Sometimes, I just sit with him in silence. Other times, I will encourage him to reach out– to a therapist, a friend – or tell him to go outside to have a change of scenery.”

There are days, though, that will feel worse than others, adds Christina.

“It can be difficult when you already feel like you hit your max. That's why it's so important to find the right help for your family. Having that extra support can help you weather those storms until clearer skies come,” she said.

For both women, faith and self-care have been key to maintaining their mental health. “I pray a lot,” Sara said. “And I am a big fan of naps, even 10 minutes to calm my mind. I also walk a lot and listen to audiobooks.”

Walking is also valuable for Christina. “Spending time with our dog Luna and taking her out for a walk on a trail helps me to clear my mind,” she said. “I take the time to ground myself and become more present with my surroundings. It helps me fill up my tank so when I come back home, I can see things with more clarity.”

A Solid Future Built on Healing

Healing isn't easy. There are twists and turns, but both couples emphasize that every step is worth it.

“We love each other fiercely,” Sara said. "I'm just so grateful we fought for this life together. And fortunate for Wounded Warrior Project. It has been invaluable for our family – it gave Bill a sense of purpose again.”

Sergio, who now mentors other veterans, agrees that WWP’s support gave him and Christina hope for a bright future. 

“The organization takes care of the whole family, which is wonderful because Christina has to live with PTSD, too. We’ve both gotten so far ahead because of Wounded Warrior Project. I've transitioned to a place where I can live with PTSD and accept it. I've built up a lot more resilience and strength, but it's a continuous practice,” said Sergio.

Looking ahead, both couples agree that with WWP in their corner and their spouses by their side, the future will always be bright.

Tips to Support Your Warrior’s Mental Health

Below are five recommendations to help support your warrior's mental health journey. 

1. Learn to separate yourself from your spouse’s trauma. It's not about you – it’s about what they're going through. Understanding this can help you respond to your partner with patience and support.

2. Encourage, but don't force. Sometimes, direct encouragement works (“Have you scheduled your therapy session?”), but other times, a softer approach is better (“Would you like me to call and set up that appointment for you?”).

3. Find your support system. WWP offers programs and resources for family support members, including coaching and counseling for spouses and children. Support groups can also help connect spouses with others who understand the journey.

4. Give your warrior space when needed. Don't feel the need to force conversation. Sometimes, silence and presence are enough.

5. Take care of yourself. Whether through therapy, meditation, or exercise, find ways to refill your own cup. 

Learn more about WWP's mental health and wellness resources, available to warriors and their families.

*Warrior Survey, Wave 2 (conducted June 15-Aug. 24, 2022)

Contact: Cynthia Weiss – Public Relations, cweiss@woundedwarriorproject.org, 904. 738.2589

About Wounded Warrior Project
Since 2003, Wounded Warrior Project^® (WWP) has been meeting the growing needs of warriors, their families, and caregivers — helping them achieve their highest ambition. Learn more about Wounded Warrior Project.